Jimmy Page’s Trousers

It seems that everybody on the net is writing about poor old, dead, Heath Ledger. I had no intentions of following suit (maverick, me) but when I found an article from the Westboro Baptist Church, stating that they would be picketing his funeral, my ire needed release. I’ve linked to a repost of the article as their site is incredibly slow. To be honest, it’s probably better that most right-thinking people steer clear of their site, tolerantly named godhatesfags.com, anyway.

The Westboro lot are that shower that are generally pissing off most people by doing things like protesting (for whatever moronic reason) at the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq. It seems that these fucksticks will also picket Ledgers’s funeral because he was once in a movie where he played a gay cowboy. Well, they’ve certainly thought that one through. Yep, flawless. Fucking morons.

Predictably, they have cited a verse from Leviticus in order to justify their tasteless, mindless, insanities. Leviticus 18:22, The sin of Heath: Thou shalt not act in a movie as one who would lie with mankind as with womankind ‘cos it’s an abomination, innit.

Leviticus is great if you’re a nutjob. Pretty much anything you want to feel religiously aggrieved about is in there. It’s one of the most intolerant books of the Old Testament (which is saying something). Deep within its overwritten verses we have all sorts of ridiculous shite. Today’s lesson then, A Look At Leviticus or Fuck, Some People Are Stupid.

Lets start out easy - what you can eat. Don’t leaven your buns. Don’t eat old meat (there’s lots of stuff about either eating or burning various foodstuffs and animals). However, whatever you do, don’t eat stuff like pigs or anything fishy that doesn’t have scales (and I really like prawns too). Also hares, vultures, owls, bats, dogs, weasels, mice, lizards, snails, blah, blah, blah. The list goes on and on. You can eat beetles though.

As you can imagine, it being concerned with religion, sex is well represented:

Don’t uncover the nakedness of your dad, sister, auntie, monkey, etc. Menstruating women are unclean and you shouldn’t uncover their nakedness, not that you would because you’d obviously have banished them for seven days. And if you did happen to uncover her nakedness during her ’sickness’, well you’d both just have to be turfed out of town, wouldn’t you. Could be worse though - it could have been death or the curse of dying childless.

Oh, women are also unclean for a week after having a baby boy or a fortnight if it’s a girl (’cos girls are dirtier than boys - everyone knows that). To be purified, they need to leave the blood and mess of childbirth on themselves for a week (or a month, I can’t remember). No showering now ladies.

Bestiality gets a look in: Neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion. Not in that film I saw. Everyone seemed pretty sure about what they were doing in that. Wanking: Don’t let your seed pass through the fire to Molech? Now that’s confusing.

Don’t eat fat or blood - incidentally one of the reasons that the nutty Jehova’s Witnesses refuse transfusions. It doesn’t say don’t get it intraveneously, twats. If you’re going to take this twaddle literally, don’t cherry-pick.

What else? Oh, yeah, thou shalt not put stuff in the way of blind people (really, it’s there). Just because it’s funny, doesn’t make it right. Don’t chop off the corners of your beards. Remember to burn prostitutes. Don’t let anybody with any physical deformity aproach the alter - anything from a dwarf to someone with a flat nose counts. And as for you, Potter, don’t be a wizard or it’s bleedin’ stoning for you, me lad. We also have God murdering children (Aaron’s kids) for gross misconduct and forbidding their father to grieve, various other sacrifices, stonings, and murders. Also pestilence, rape, slavery, and kidnapping get a look-in.

So, quite a mixed bag of sin, then. Hurrah for Leviticus and it’s very sane, reasonable and measured approach to religious law. Oh, how I hate the complete, fucking morons who quote the ramblings of dead, fucking morons to justify their fucking insane fucking beliefs. Fuck right off, Westboro Baptist Church. Fuck right off, anyone who reads shite like Leviticus and thinks, “Hmmmm, maybe these insane ramblings make good sense.” Fuck right off. Stupid bastards.

Lot of ‘fucks’ there, but I stand by it.