Consulting
I had my first experience of being a consultant yesterday. I felt dirty. Had to rush home afterwards to wash the shame off with a Brillo Pad and Domestos.
I’ll tell you what though, if you’ve any notion of what you’re doing (which many consultants don’t), it’s money for old rope. Sit about and ask people questions to find out what they’re doing wrong? With my Masters-Diploma-Degree-Cert in Advanced Fault Finding, it was a doddle. Just get them talking and make some notes - that’s shit, that’s shit, don’t know why they thought that was a good idea, that’s shit, etc.
Then, all you need to do is produce an impressive looking report that lists their many failings. You don’t even need to fix them - just make a list. It really is the ideal job for a lazy wanker.
It wasn’t all plain sailing though. This particular consulting gig was in a university. Did I stick out in the campus cafeteria with my suit and shiny, shiny shoes? Yep. Why, why did I choose to wear the pink shirt, the consultant’s uniform? They were all so young and carefree and scruffy. I’m not (as) young. I’m certainly not carefree and though my natural, and favoured, state is scruffy, yesterday I was all groomed and suited and tied. Christ, I felt out of place. I told myself it was the suit and that had I been in my usual attire of combats and Converse, I’d have blended right in. It’s not true. I’m too old. I have to face it.
Although, maybe not. Maybe those stares from the young ladies of the campus were not all derision. Perhaps they were impressed to see a suited, confident man, with a job and a pink shirt. Maybe those girls sitting around, all young and firm and pretty, were wondering how to strike up a conversation with this smartly attired stranger.
“Hi. My friends and I have been watching you and we’re impressed by your pink shirt and the fact that you’re so obviously confident that you don’t feel the need to conform to the societal image of men with chiselled abs.”
“Thanks, but this paunch takes work too you know. Costs a small fortune in beer”
“Not a problem for you, I’m sure. I can tell from your, very attractively filled, suit that you obviously have a good career. I find that incredibly sexy in a man and so do my young, firm, pretty friends.”
“Thanks again. I don’t like to brag but I do get a company laptop.”
“So what do you do?”
“I’m just here doing a spot of consulting”
“Consulting? Eeeeeuuuuuwwwwwww. Get away”
Its better to dress up than dress down though.
A while back I went for a job interview at a fairly high-up Internet company, dressed smart, but casually. Jeans, black trainers, a shirt with no tie and a fitted jacket, you know the game. However, the nice gents interviewing me where wearing proper suits, the full works. I felt a little, shall we say, grubby at the least.
Needless to say I didn’t get the job after all, but that’s a good thing - they’re crap anyway.
Oh, and, I like the way you decided to describe the pretty young ladies. Firm. I like that!
Comment by Daze — Friday April 20, 2007 @ 14:41
Paunch.
That’s awful. Paunch.
Fuck it, I developed a paunch in the last year or two after giving up smokes.
Paunch.
Jesus, what an awful thought.
Paunch.
Comment by Bock the Robber — Saturday April 21, 2007 @ 23:26
It depends what sort of a consultant you are - a friend and I used to call his business his ‘insultancy’ - we still roll about laughing childishly each time the other mentions it now.
I would love to have a business card that just had your name and Insultant printed undet business title.
Paunch. A sinful word.
Comment by rockmother — Monday April 23, 2007 @ 11:24
Daze, You’re making me sound even more pervy than I normally might. Don’t go on about the firmness.
Bock, thanks for your sympathy. I think it was sympathy.
RM, I’m the sort of consultant that gets frustrated at how shite other people are. That’s another reason that I don’t think I’m cut out for something like consultancy. I just want to shout “What in Christ’s name are you doing? Are you a complete moron, or what?” when they tell me how they do things.
I like your business card idea but I will never have a business card that contains anything that even sounds like ‘consultant’. I’m only doing this ‘cos I couldn’t think of a way out of it.
Comment by Trousers — Monday April 23, 2007 @ 15:20
I’m worried that there is now a lot of focus on my paunch. I’m concerned that, should we ever meet, you’ll all be glancing surreptitiously at my midriff. For your information, it’s still holdinable. Maybe a little Rubenesque bulge should I relax in a tighter tee-shirt than normal. Just a nascent paunch, really.
Maybe I should join a gym.
Comment by Trousers — Monday April 23, 2007 @ 15:24
Re: your penultimate comment and your inability to be a consultant proper and not be nice to annoying people - congratulations - you are a natural insultant ! Re: the paunch - as long as it’s suck in-able I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. There’s always the man-corset option in you get really desperate.
Comment by rockmother — Monday April 23, 2007 @ 22:40
I’d love to say I’d arrived here by googling the word “paunch” but it sadly ain’t true. It’s a fantastic word though. It sounds like something you could keep loose change, postage stamps or polo mints in.
“Blimmin’ ‘ell, my migrane’s comin’ on again! Do you have any aspirin?”
“Hang on, I think I’ve got a couple in my paunch.”
See?
>Daze, You’re making me sound even more pervy than I normally might. Don’t go on about the firmness.
Would “tender” be less pervy?
Comment by dotdash — Thursday April 26, 2007 @ 17:22
RM, if the man-corset is good enough for Shatner, I’m all for it.
Dotdash, I had no idea that my paunch would spark such imagination in people. It seems I was unaware of its awesome power.
I don’t think that ‘tender’ sounds less pervy. It sounds just as pervy and also a tad mentalist.
Comment by Trousers — Friday April 27, 2007 @ 7:30
>It sounds just as pervy and also a tad mentalist.
Nah, mentalist would be “succulent”. “Tender” is just pervy. Like “firm”. You perv!
Comment by dotdash — Friday April 27, 2007 @ 21:15